作者：李岘
笑谈三：为什么你不选我做伴娘
Anecdote Three: Why didn’t you choose me to be your bridesmaid?
我以为自己看了两部筹办婚礼的纪录片，就对西式婚礼了如指掌了：伴娘要自己花钱按新娘的喜好去挑选衣裙鞋袜，搭时间搭金钱，谁愿意做伴娘啊！省了。
I thought I understood Western culture after seeing two documentaries about weddings. I knew that bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses and shoes according to the bride’s guidance. Who are willing to be bridesmaids? Therefore I thought I should not trouble my friends.
可是未婚夫不同意：我已经请我们的三个儿子做伴郎了。
However my fiancé disagreed, “I have already asked our three sons to be the groomsmen. Many people feel it is an honor to be part of the wedding party.”
这难度就更大了：在我的女友中间，到哪儿去找与二十多岁小伙子相匹配的伴娘啊？“矬子里拔大个儿”吧。在几位单身“闺蜜”中选了两位年届四十有余，看起来却不超过三十岁的女友做伴娘，加上比我小十二岁、看起来永远像个大学生的妹妹。齐了。
This made it more difficult to match bridesmaids with young men around twenty years old. I selected a few single girlfriends who were around forty years old, yet looked much younger. I also selected my younger sister who is twelve years younger than me, and she looks like a college student.
伴娘落实了，我就踏踏实实地去了中国。一个月回来以后，时差还没倒完就接到了我在法学院教书的同事兼好友打来的电话：我知道婚礼是你的大喜日子，我不应该在这个时候干扰你的情绪。可是我忍了四个星期还是不能不跟你说。我以为我是你最好的朋友，可是你没有选我做伴娘，我很伤心。我怎么也想不通是什么原因你不选我做伴娘！
The bridesmaids were confirmed, and then I went to China for a month. Soon after I returned, I still was suffering the jet lag when I received a phone call from a teaching colleague and friend. “I know that the wedding is your big day. I should not interrupt your emotions at this time, but I have hesitated for four weeks and still could not help but tell you. I think I am your best friend, yet you did not choose me to be your bridesmaid, and I feel very sad.”
我瞠目结舌。对天发誓，我从来没把她与“伴娘”二字联系到一起。一、中国伴娘的概念是单身，而她已近“金婚”，儿孙满堂。二、许多美国婚礼纪录片中的伴娘肥胖无比，有些新娘不加掩饰地说要用伴娘的丑衬托出她的美；而我要让我的伴娘穿上红色镶金紧身中式旗袍，如出水芙蓉般地展现出东方女性的特质与美丽以衬托出新娘的“自信”。三、中国文化的“士大夫思想”让我无法想象一位进入古稀之年的资深法学教授，花枝招展地簇拥着新娘站在众人面前的情景。四、如果是我的好友就一定要做伴娘的话，我岂不是得罪了太多的“闺蜜”了吗？
I was stuck dumb. I swear to God, I had never put her with the word "bridesmaid" together. First of all, in China, the bridesmaid has to be single and my friend has almost celebrated her "golden wedding anniversary" and has children and grandchildren. Secondly, the bridesmaids, in many American wedding documentaries look obese. Often the bride invites ugly bridesmaids to reflect her beauty. I want my bridesmaids to wear very tight traditional Chinese dresses in red and golden colors and look like the water lilies. This will show the quality and the beauty of oriental women and bring out the bride's self-confidence. Thirdly, based on a traditional Chinese culture perspective, I could not imagine a woman in her sixties, being with a senior title of law professor, to be a bridesmaid because it is not respectful. Fourthly, if all my friends must be the bridesmaids, I could make many girl friends feel neglected.
省去第二条，我用其它几点解释了我没有请她做伴娘的原因。
Eliminating the second reason, I explained the other reasons why I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid.。
对方的语气有些缓和：既然中国的习俗必须是单身才能做伴娘的话，我就没有意见了。不过你妹妹不是结婚了吗？
She started to understand, “Since the Chinese custom is that the bridesmaid must be single, I do not have opinions on this matter”. But she still had a question about it, “You told me that your sister is married.”
我耐住性子继续解释：我妹妹万里之遥从中国来参加我的婚礼，即使我没有伴娘，她也应该守在我身边，不是吗？
I went on to explain, “My sister will come a long way from China to attend my ceremony. Even if I do not have any bridesmaids, she should still be in my wedding with me, don’t you think so?”
对方这才心无芥蒂地与我交流起来：按照美国的习俗，结婚的人也能做伴娘，只是叫法不同。单身的叫Bridesmaids,结婚的叫Matron of honor。还有一个名词叫Maid of honor。
Finally she understood completely, “ In accordance with the customs in the United States, married people can also be bridesmaids. They just use different names. There is a maid of honor for single woman and matron of honor for married woman.”
我嘴上应酬着，心里却烦着呢：不就是个伴娘吗？中文字典里的解释很简单：女傧相。就是婚礼上陪伴新娘的人！
I agreed with her but my mind was tired of this topic.
当我把这事儿当做笑谈与一位伴娘提起的时候，对方的反应却令我始料不及：是不一样！比如你请我做你的Maid of honor，而让你妹妹做Bridesmaids，我就不知道你为什么选中我！
When I talked about this matter with one of my bridesmaids and thought that she would totally agree with me. She was surprised that I asked her to be my maid of honor instead of my sister.
这有什么不同吗？我认为这是英文对伴娘的两种叫法而已。
“What is the difference? Both of you are my bridesmaids.” I disagreed.
当然不同。Maid of honor不仅要带领所有的Bridesmaids为新娘张罗告别单身活动，还要站在新娘的身边，并且代表所有的Bridesmaids在婚礼上讲话。所以新娘总是要选择一位与她关系最近的人做Maid of honor。
“Of course it is not the same!” She said. She told me the maid of honor is the most important bridesmaid, the most honorable position.
天呐，我都告诉我妹妹要代表我的家人和女方来宾讲话，却不知道已经将“话语权”交给了别人。难不成又要得罪一位女友了？幸好这位伴娘通情达理，没用我多费口舌就与我妹妹交换了名称。
My god, I told my sister to give a talk during the wedding, but I didn’t put her in the right position. I should have had my sister to be the maid of honor. By the way, since she was already married, she would be called the matron of honor. I could hurt another friend’s feelings about this issue. Fortunately my friend understood how I made the mistake and switched the title with my sister.
经过了这两件事儿，我再也不敢怠慢美国文化。我郑重邀请未婚夫参与筹办婚礼的每一个环节，否则我会像对待面包一样地把婚礼简单到中美两国和东西方文化都不认可的尴尬状态。
After these two mistakes I realized that I needed my fiancé to help me to plan the wedding otherwise I would have a wedding that is neither Eastern nor Western style but just a series of culture confusions instead of a wedding that had a fusion of cultures.
对此补充一下：中国人将所有品种的Bread都叫做面包。可是美国人的bread却有许多名词与Bread词汇根本没有关联。如Bagel、Bun,、Muffin、Sourdough、Croissant……。为了沟通，我们只好自创词汇将“面包”一词分成：备够、办、麻烦、洒我斗、超柔。就像maid of honor 和bridesmaid 都是“伴娘” 一个词汇一样。
For example, in China there is a single word for “bread”. In the United States there are many names for bread: bagels, bun, muffin, sour dough, and croissants. To me all of these words mean bread like maid of honor means bridesmaid.
注：美国《东西方》杂志2012年12月刊首发
(待续）
